Hello reader
I seem to always be writing here when I feel a lot.
Whether itās positive or negative, or a mixture, there are always feelings that lead me to open this.
Iām still dating, well trying.
The person I spoke about in the last update, weāve still not been on another date with them, unsure if I will. We talk here and there.
There is someone else though, Iāll use āLā when referring to them.
I had two really good dates with L, one was a screening of a recording of Elliott Smith playing at a festival in Washington, and the next date was at a really weird curiosity museum in Hackney.
I canāt emphasise how much fun I had on these dates, something just clicked for me with L. We spoke a lot about ourselves and both listened, it was lovely.
I asked L if she wanted to meet up again on the 14th of Feb, I had completely forgotten that Valentineās Day was even a thing, it was just any old Wednesday to me when I asked.
L responded saying that she would like to just keep being friends, but she really did mean it, we still met up on Valentineās Day and had a fun night bar hopping and just talking. I couldnāt shake the feeling that I wanted something more though.
A week or so later, we went to Ikea for some food and to wander around the fake rooms and hang out. As we were leaving, we got into my car so I could drop L at the station for her train.
L said: āOh no, I think I actually fancy you a bit nowā¦ā. My heart jumped, we laughed a bit about it, and I jokingly said āOh, itās the car isnāt it? It has that effectā (My car is a piece of shit).
Last week we went out for dinner then L came back to my place to watch a short film weād been wanting to see. She ended up staying the night, nothing happened, although I really did want to kiss her, I just donāt know where I stand after what she said in the car.
I know I just need to talk to her and ask what she is feeling. But Iām terrified that Iām going to ruin what we have going on.
Itās not fair on me if I continue to go along as if weāre just friends when deep down I really want more with L.
The idea of her not wanting me is so painful.
Next time I write here I should have an answer at leastā¦
Work is going fine, and therapy has been pretty good, although itās more focused on my anxiety symptoms than life/feelings.
My parents visited London last week for a joint celebration of my Dadās/Brotherās/my birthday as they all fall in March.
It was a lovely few days of spending time with them, very exhausting though.
This has been a long one, apologies.
Hope youāre well.