Hello again, and so soon!
I’ve been seeing that person I mentioned at the end of the previous update a lot.
We’ve been hanging out at least 3-4 times a week since.
The way we bounce off each other is something I’ve genuinely never experienced before with someone, apart from my best friend.
A few nights ago, we were lying in bed talking until the small hours, which seems to be a common theme for us. We got onto talking about how we’re both feeling in regards to how we feel things are going. We were both extremely positive about where things were going and just how much fun we were having spending time with each other.
We then started speaking about if we were interested in dating other people or not. I was so comfortable saying that I had no interest in that. I just don’t work that way. Once I’m interested in someone, everything else fades away, and I love focusing on that one person. So I was super clear, I’m not using dating apps, and I’m not going to get with other people. It’s just how I like to date.
They echoed a similar sentiment, were not interested in dating anyone else, and would be jealous if I turned to them and said I went on a date with someone else or kissed someone else. To which I also agreed and explained how I’d feel the same.
Prior to this conversation, it might have even been another day, it doesn’t matter. They had told me they were going to a queer event on Friday, the day after the chat above happened, with their friends. This is relevant because I used this as an example whilst we were having that chat. When I was saying my piece, I said, for example, if they said to me on Saturday that they had kissed someone at the event last night, I’d be really upset and feel hurt.
I wake up Saturday morning and reach for my phone, I see a message from them at 3am. “I really need to talk to you.” My heart sank. I started to spiral and think of the absolute worst-case scenario. I did my best to calm myself down as I was so convinced I was overreacting, telling myself it’s going to be fine, they care about me! Why would they ever choose to do that? They wouldn’t do it.
The day went on, and they said they wanted to speak in person later, during the day they were messaging me in such a positive tone. Reading those messages calmed me so much, made me breathe, and realise that this person truly cared and I was being an anxious wreck for no reason.
Of course, we meet up later on in the evening, and they tell me they kissed someone and feel horrendous about it. The worst case had happened. I’ve never felt such a wave of strong emotion, but it came coupled with a consuming numbness that draped itself over me. We were walking back to my flat at this point after I’d met them where the bus arrived.
They gave me a rundown and said that leading up to the kiss and during, it all felt so wrong. Explaining how they feel so stupid for doing it and it made them realise how much what we have going on means to them. This was all falling on my ears but not really registering, as I was so focused on the fact that they’d chosen to hurt me. We’d spoken the day before about these scenarios, and I made it so fucking clear that I’d be hurt and upset if this exact thing happened.
What followed was an intense night of analysing every angle of what happened, tears streaming and feeling the weight of what we seem to share in such a short period of knowing each other. I really feel like I trust them when they say how much it made them realise how they felt about what we share. They’ve been open in past relationships, maybe this had to happen for them to come to terms with what they were feeling now.
I spoke with friends and family about this, and of course, there were some reactions suggesting I run away and avoid getting hurt again. But I think it would be so stupid, and a colossal waste to not explore this connection we’ve formed. This kind of feeling is so rare. One friend suggested taking what they’re saying at complete face value, trusting what they’re saying, trusting the emotion that is pouring out of them, trusting that they really do resent this action, and trusting what they mean when they say how important this is to them. Yes, it could hurt again, but more likely, I hope, it will lead to something comfortable and significant.
It’s going to require me to accept that they made this decision from a place of confusion and fear, rather than from a place of malicious intent. Which I do feel I’m able to do.
I’ve never been hurt this way in a relationship context before, and saying relationship feels odd here as we’ve only known each other for 4 weeks. This also made me feel a bit crazy for feeling this strongly about the whole situation, but I think it’s not really the situation that I’m upset about, it’s the choice they made.
Anyway, this was all a new emotional experience for me, I don’t remember the last time I cried like that. I was fully disarmed and broken down, making noises I’d never heard come out of my mouth. Weirdly it was a warm feeling to be that exposed in the presence of another person. I felt understood and able to communicate my emotions in a way I hadn’t been able to before.
We met up again last night to talk more and simply hang out, I told them I’ve chosen to trust them and want to continue as long as they promise to tell me if they get feelings or thoughts of wanting other people. I won’t be angry if this is the case, overwhelmingly sad of course, but if it’s communicated at least we gave it a proper shot.
Finding it hard to wrap this stream of consciousness up. I’m excited to ride this out. I’m hurt, but I can forgive. I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last 48 hours. I won’t ever be the same after this.
I hope you’re keeping safe.